I've noticed that very few people really feel like God loves them unconditionally. Plenty will say they do, but something deep inside (a buried belief or glue-like shame) keeps them from walking in the freedom of that kind of unconditional love. It's easier to work at something in order to feel worthy of love, as many of us have been conditioned to do.
Here is an easy test to determine your belief about His love for you: How free do you feel to tell Him how you really feel about something-your honest thoughts no matter how bad they might be? Remember the scene from Forest Gump? Captain Dan rides out to sea on the shrimp boat and climbs to the top of the mast during a terrible storm and gets gut-level honest with God. "Is this all you've got-come on!" he cries. I love that scene. It was his "come to Jesus meeting". One of my favorite authors, Os Hillman, wrote of a time during his life when everything was lost and he questioned God's presence in it all (even His very existence). He told God he hated him and asked why he would treat someone this way that followed him. It reminded me of a time in my life when I told God I was angry with Him and didn't know if I could get past it. I blamed Him for all the dysfunction I had experienced as a child and the fallout from it in my own life. Just recently I shared with a guy that confided in me about his own anger toward God. He said if God were here right now he would punch Him in the face. That is some intense anger toward God, and I will admit it was scary to listen to (he lost his mother to a brutal battle with cancer). I believe it was a good start for him to have real intimacy with God.
For many people, the very thought of hearing this (or writing it for that matter) may seem blasphemous. They may even be repulsed by the thought of speaking to God that way. Perhaps it their religious training or upbringing that keeps them from being able to be rigorously honest with God and themselves about their disappointment or anger with Him. But I ask you to consider this: God is our perfect Heavenly Father. Would He want you to hold back from Him or speak honestly from your heart? As a parent myself, I can assure you that I want the door to always be open for my daughter to share with me what she is really feeling and thinking inside, especially if it is directed towards me! Then we can begin to work through it. How else can true intimacy exist?
I believe our anger toward God over painful and unpleasant experiences in our lives must be communicated to Him so that we can get past it and He can give us a proper prospective on our trials. This is how intimacy works. Our anger expressed in a honest and respectful way towards Him is no more threatening to Him than a water pistol is to a grizzly bear. He can handle it. And as a father to us, I believe He wants us to bring it to Him. After all, there are only two choices when walking through our trials - we can run to God, or we can run away from Him.
"Surely you desire truth in the inner parts...." Psalm 51:6
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